


Montana

by rsadelle



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-04
Updated: 2006-06-04
Packaged: 2017-10-28 12:16:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rsadelle/pseuds/rsadelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander moves to Montana, and back again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Montana

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Molly and Melle for read-through services.

Brian Regan on microwaving Pop-Tarts:

"If you're waking, eating and hauling to work in three seconds, you may want to consider a change of lifestyle. Look at some Montana brochures."

  
Spike arrived unannounced. Every time he did that, Xander thought about having Willow do an uninvite, but he had no other guy friends, so it was kind of a wash.

Spike took one of Xander's favorite mugs off the drying rack and dumped a bag of blood into it. "What's all this then?"

"They're brochures."

"I can see that. Why do you have a table full of brochures about," Spike picked one of them up, "Montana?"

Xander relaxed his way into an after dinner guy-sprawl. "I've been thinking about it." He waved his hand at the brochures. "Moving to Montana."

Spike gave him a look. The kind of look that said you were crazier than crazy, loonier than loony.

"Montana."

"Yep. Montana."

"And leave all this?"

Xander sighed and collapsed his guy-sprawl down into a serious discussion posture. "I think it's time," he said. "I think I'd like to do something else."

Spike leaned back to take that in. "You ever been to Montana?"

Xander shook his head. "That's why marketers made brochures."

Spike nodded thoughtfully. "Know a bloke in Montana. Could put in a good word for you."

"This isn't the kind of bloke who's going to try to eat me the moment we meet, is it?"

Spike chuckled. "No. Just a bloke. Likes your kind."

"My kind? Geeze, Spike, you make it sound like humans are an inferior species."

"I meant hard workers."

"Oh. Well, thanks, Spike." Xander meant it; he really didn't have any other guy friends, and it was nice that the first person he told about Montana was supportive.

"Never been to Montana," Spike mused.

"Nope. But I've seen it in movies." Xander paused to reflect. "Of course, that was Star Trek."

***

Randy, the guy Spike knew, had an opening and was, in his own words, "mighty pleased to take on anyone Spike recommends."

No one else took it with quite the same equanimity Spike did. Giles vigorously cleaned his glasses. Buffy voiced the shock they all felt: "Montana? What's in Montana?" Willow threw her arms around him and cried. Dawn whined.

"You could go with me," he offered Anya.

"Do you know what the economy is like in Montana?" she asked, after she stopped yelling and before she stopped speaking to him.

"I just need to be somewhere else for a while," he said to Willow when she cornered him alone. "Montana seemed like a good idea. Spike knows this guy who had a job open, and Spike said he won't eat me."

"But Montana," she protested. "That's so far away."

"It's not that bad. It's not like they don't have phones in Montana." Xander hugged her. "You can bring Tara to visit me. I bet they don't have many witches in Montana."

Willow hugged back so tight Xander thought he might have to take her with him. "I know," she said. "I'll miss you. We haven't ever really been apart."

Xander tucked her head under his chin. "I know, Will, but you've got Tara and Buffy." He turned and rested his cheek on the top of her head. "It'll be okay."

They stayed there together for a while. It was nice to hold Willow, nicer still that there wasn't any sexual tension or weirdness. Just him and his best friend.

***

It was surprisingly easy to pull up stake after he'd been through that first declaration of his intentions. He sold most of his stuff, and discovered in the process that he wasn't all that attached to most of it anymore. The few things he still wanted but didn't want to travel with went to Willow to be stored in a tiny corner of the Rosenberg's basement. In the end, he only had two largish suitcases of clothes and personal items and a backpack with CDs and a book Willow gave him for the plane.

His plane left before sunrise, so even Spike was there to see him off. Everyone but Spike cried when it was finally time for his row to board. Everyone but Spike hugged him goodbye. Willow was last, and she threw herself into his arms for the same kind of bone-crushing hug she'd given him when he first told them about Montana.

***

Montana agreed with him. Lots of open space, no traffic, and the only demons around were coworkers and no real danger to him. Except for Sid, who was a bit clumsy, but he was Randy's sister's husband's nephew, or something like that, so they were stuck with him.

His life was simpler in Montana. He and the other ranch hands worked from before sunrise until after sunset, six days a week. Xander worked hard, learning the job, learning the rhythm of the ranch, learning how to be alone except for a herd of cattle or sheep. Learning to live in wide, open, quiet spaces. It didn't leave a lot of time for worry about the possible end of the world or other people's love affairs.

He went to the bar--there was only one--on Saturday nights sometimes. Had a beer, watched the other ranch hands try to pick up the waitresses or the few other women around. Flirted a little, politely turned down the offers that came his way.

He talked to Willow every other week on his day off. She wrote him long letters that came more frequently when she was agitated and were replaced with out-of-sequence phone calls when she was truly upset. Xander tried to write back, but he was in Montana and there was only so much to say about livestock. He could have written down the funny stories about the other ranchers, but he preferred to tell them on the phone, when he could hear her laugh.

"Oh," Tara said when he called one afternoon, "she's not back from class yet. I think she was going to meet Dawn for coffee. I can have her call you when she gets back."

"Yeah, thanks. Wait," Xander said before she could say goodbye. "Do you-- Is it--" He stopped and gathered together what he wanted to say. This was going to be hard enough as it was. "Does it bother you? That Willow talks to me so much?"

"N-n-no, not really." Xander could almost see Tara's earnestness. "There are parts of her that will never belong to anyone but you."

Xander had to swallow against the glow of acceptance before he could speak. "Thank you, Tara," he said softly. "Tell Will I called."

***

He'd been there for a while when he woke up to a pale shape standing over him. He would never admit to how high-pitched the noise he made was.

"Relax, boy. It's just me." Coming at him from the dark, it wasn't particularly comforting.

It was easier when Spike flipped on the light, but vampire in the middle of the night in his tiny room was still pretty scary.

"Spike? What are you doing here?"

Spike shrugged his duster onto the chair in the corner. "Done with Sunnydale." He followed his coat down into the chair and threw his feet up on the end of Xander's bed.

Xander glanced at the clock and pushed himself up into a seated position. "That doesn't exactly explain why you're here."

"Thought I'd stop by. See how things are working out here."

Xander smacked the alarm's off button before it could sound. "They're fine." He climbed out of bed. "I think there's blood in the bunkhouse fridge if you're hungry."

"Already had some." Spike twisted to watch Xander get dressed. "It's not even dawn."

"Yes, I know that," Xander said patiently. "This is a ranch. We go to work at dawn and eat before that." He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on his boots. He went from his room down to the bathroom where he spent an extra ten seconds staring at himself in the mirror and wondering if he could steal a couple of minutes to call Willow.

When he got back to his room, Spike was stretched out on his bed. Xander nudged one foot. "Keep your boots off my sheets." He scooped up his hat.

"Slayer threw me out," Spike offered. "Bit's not talking to me."

Xander paused before settling his hat onto his head. "That right."

Spike refused to meet his eyes. "Girl's growing up. Doesn't want the same things she did when she was younger."

Xander nodded without saying anything. When it looked like Spike was done, he turned off the light and left for breakfast.

By the time Xander got back in the evening, Spike had moved into the main house, and they didn't see each other much after that.

***

Eventually Willow and Tara arranged to visit. Buffy was going to cover Hellmouthy events and Dawn during the college's spring break; in exchange Willow and Tara had to cover Dawn all during the junior high's spring break.

Xander took a couple of extra days off and reserved the guest cottage for the girls to stay in. He took one of the pickups into Great Falls to pick them up at the airport.

After her first breathless hug, Willow chattered on at him about how Buffy and Dawn were doing, how much he looked like a cowboy, how different Montana's landscape was. Tara looked on fondly.

Xander woke up at his usual early time even though he had the day off. He made two cups of coffee and took them out to where Willow was sitting on the steps of the guest cottage. She smiled her thanks and leaned against him when he sat next to her.</p>

"What's it really like in Sunnydale?" he asked.

Willow sighed. "It's hard," she admitted. "With Spike gone, Buffy's our only real fighter. That's hard on her. She has less time to deal with Dawn, and Dawn's going through a tough time. She barely talks to any of us, and she doesn't talk about Spike at all."

"What happened?" Xander asked. "That made Spike leave."

Willow put her head down on his shoulder. "I don't know. Neither one of them will talk about it."

"Spike was here."

Willow twisted to look up at him. "He was?"

Xander nodded. "Yeah, for a while. He left when he heard you were coming to visit."

Willow's arms tightened around him briefly. "I miss you."

Xander tipped his head down and kissed the top of her head. "I miss you too." They watched the sky lighten in silence for a while. Just before the sun came up, Xander said, "I miss Jesse."

Willow froze.

"It's easier to think about him here."

"I saw his mom a couple of weeks ago." Willow started to cry. "It was horrible."

Xander gathered her close. "I know. I called her before I moved."

"We should have done something," Willow said through her tears. "We didn't think about her."

"No," Xander agreed, through the beginnings of his own tears. "We didn't."

When the sun was fully up, Tara came out to join them. She moved Willow's coffee cup and wrapped her arms around Willow from the other side. Xander extended his reach to include her in his hug.

***

He went to Sunnydale during Dawn's summer break. It gave everyone else a break and let him see just how much she'd changed.

"I kissed him," Dawn said one afternoon when they were sipping lemonade in the shade. "Spike. I kissed Spike."

"That right." Xander wasn't entirely surprised.

"Yeah." Dawn pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. "But all he cares about is Buffy."

Xander poured her more lemonade and they sat in silence for a while.

***

Spike was back in the main house when Xander got back to Montana. One of the other ranch hands said he'd been there even before Xander left.

Xander made a point to go out and stand with Spike on the porch one evening.

"You broke her heart," Xander said after Spike lit his cigarette.

"Slayer hasn't got a heart."

"Not Buffy. Dawn."

"Yeah, well." Spike puffed away. "Never really get over your first heartbreak."

Xander thought about himself and Willow, himself and Cordy, Buffy and Angel. "Maybe not," he agreed. "But it doesn't have to be the end of everything. Willow and I are still friends."

Spike looked at him. "Witch broke your heart?"

"I broke hers."

He'd startled Spike into speechlessness. Before he could recover, Xander tipped his hat and walked away.

***

"I'm leaving," Spike told him a couple of months later. He passed over a slip of paper with an address and phone number on it. "Hoodoo doctor I know, can usually find me to pass on a message."

Xander nodded. "Thanks."

***

After two years on the ranch, two years of silence and hard work, two years of calls and letters to and from Willow, Xander decided it was time to move back to Sunnydale.

The girls threw him a homecoming dinner and moved him into the Summers basement. He took two days to relax and readjust before it became too many people.

He called up the construction company he'd worked for before Montana. As soon as his employment was assured, he went out and got himself a small apartment in a quiet complex. The girls fretted, but they helped him set up the new place with the bed from Buffy's basement and his stuff from Willow's parents' basement.

He sent a note to Spike by way of the hoodoo doctor:

I'm back in Sunnydale. It was time. Feel free to drop by if you're ever in the area.

He put his new address at the bottom of the piece of paper.

He met people in Sunnydale, and the girls tried once or twice to set him up, but he found his life was much easier without any entanglements. He worked hard, patrolled with the ever-expanding group of Scoobies, kept an eye on Dawn's friends and boyfriends. Woke up early even on the weekends.

***

"You're different," Willow said when she found him lounging on the Summers' porch on a Sunday morning.

He took her hand. "So are you."

"I know." She nudged him with her elbow. "Are you happy?"

Xander twined their arms together. "Yeah," he said. "I've got you girls, evil's being stopped. What else do I need?"

"Someone to keep you warm at night?" Willow suggested.

"Nah. Not necessary. I lived in Montana. I can deal with the cold." He squeezed her hand. "I promise I'm okay."

"All right." There was still doubt in Willow's eyes, but she let the subject drop. "Come on." She stood and pulled him up. "Let's go get donuts and take them to Jesse's mom."

They settled into a semi-routine after that, where they occasionally picked up breakfast or dinner and went to spend time with Jesse's mom.

***

When Dawn graduated from high school, Xander snagged an extra invitation and photo from the stacks in the Summers kitchen, stuck a post-it on it, and sent it to Spike. He knew Spike would want to know.

Spike joined him halfway through his walk home from the post-ceremony party. Xander prided himself on not jumping.

"Were you there for the ceremony?"

"Yeah. Was nice." Spike's lighter flared. "What's she gonna do now?"

"She's going to UC Sunnydale in the fall. We talked about her leaving home, but there's been too much upheaval in her life. She wanted to stay close to home."

"Bit got a boyfriend?"

"Yeah. She's had a couple of them off and on. She's been with Josh a couple of months now."

"He a nice bloke?"

"No one's good enough for her, but he's nice enough."

"Good." Spike dropped his cigarette on the walkway in front of Xander's apartment and ground it out with his heel.

"Come in," Xander said, when he'd gotten the door unlocked. "Do you have a place to stay?"

"Not yet. Figured I'd find an empty crypt."

"You can stay here," Xander offered. "The blinds will keep the sun out in the morning."

"Yeah, all right." Spike looked around Xander's place. "Going for the minimalist look?"

Xander looked around, seeing it from Spike's perspective. "Yeah, I guess," he said. "I got used to not having much on the ranch." He went around the apartment and made sure all the blinds were tightly closed.

***

"Scooby meeting tonight," Xander said the next evening. He met Spike's gaze directly. "Wanna come?"

Spike stopped with his mug of blood halfway to his mouth. He sat frozen like that for a long time. "Dunno they'd like that," he said, finally setting his mug down on the table.

"It's been a long time." Xander sat down across from him. "They might be ready to see you again."

"Dunno I'm ready to see them."

"Fair enough." Xander got up from the table and tended to his own sustenance requirements.

***

Spike went with him to the Scooby meeting.

Everyone looked up when the bell over the door of the shop rang, but only those who'd been there before Spike left stopped talking.

"...never even-- What?" Josh stopped talking when he realized Dawn wasn't paying attention to him anymore.

Dawn mouthed, "Spike," and then she said it out loud. And again. And then she threw herself into Spike's arms.

"Hey, Bit," Spike said roughly.

Xander stepped around them to meet Buffy's indignation.

"What is he doing here?"

"I invited him to Dawn's graduation."

Buffy's attention shifted to somewhere behind Xander. "He didn't have to come."

"He cares about Dawn too."

"Wouldn't've missed it for the world," Spike put in.

Dawn dragged him around the room to introduce him to the new people and exchange uncertain greetings with the old ones.

***

The only thing assured about Spike's return to Sunnydale was his place on Xander's couch. Everything else was caught between Dawn's joy that Spike wasn't dust and Buffy's anger that he had come back.

"I understand this isn't easy for you," Xander said after a month of Spike's jittery presence in his place, "but you're driving me crazy. Can't you find something to do other than wander around my apartment?"

"Got nothing else to do. Spent a hundred years taking care of Dru, few more taking care of the Bit. Not much left for me is there." It wasn't a question.

"Don't go trying to kill yourself," Xander warned. "It didn't work out the last time, and Dawn won't take it well."

"Not gonna off my myself," Spike grumbled.

"Good," Xander said mildly. "There are people who would miss you."

***

"What's this then?" Spike asked when Willow and Tara showed up at sundown on Saturday.

"We're having dinner," Xander answered. "Come with us."

"I don't need to eat."

"Come on," Xander said. "There's someone we want you to meet."

"Not someone who's gonna stake me, is it?"

"Of course not," Willow said. "We're going to be late if we don't leave now."

Spike shrugged on his duster and went with them.

"Come in," Jesse's mom invited when they got there.

"Sue, this is Spike," Willow said.

And after a pause while Spike and Sue shook hands, she said, "He's a vampire."

Sue paled and took a step back. "Oh."

"Don't worry," Xander assured her, "he can't hurt you."

"Oh, well." Sue managed a tremulous smile. "Come and sit down." She gestured them all into the dining room where the table was already set. Willow immediately embarked on a string of chatter about her schoolwork that distracted Sue and let them all settle in for dinner.

Xander helped Willow keep up a steady conversation about school and work and high school all through dinner. By the time they got to dessert, Sue was even smiling at Spike.

"Would you like some tea?" she offered them.

"Now you sit down, love," Spike said, patting her shoulder and getting up himself. "I'll get it."

Xander and Willow shared triumphant smiles.

***

"So who is she?" Spike asked on the way home, after he'd lit his cigarette.

"Before it was us and Buffy," Xander explained, "it was us and Jesse."

"What happened?" Spike asked when the explanation stopped there. "Slayer scare him off?"

"Darla turned him," Willow said.

"And the Slayer staked him," Spike surmised.

"No," Xander said. "I did."

Spike missed half a step and stumbled a little. "That why I've never heard about him?"

"Yeah." Xander stepped up to the girls and took Willow's hand, the one that wasn't already being held by Tara. "I'll show you pictures when we get home."

Xander kept his word; when they got home, he dug out a box of pictures and spread them out on the table for Spike's perusal.

Spike picked through them, stopping once or twice. He eventually stacked them all together, except for one.

Xander looked over his shoulder. The three of them at a table with a white cloth tablecloth and real silver, Willow in the middle, dressed up and smiling proudly at the camera. "Willow's twelfth birthday. Her parents took us out to a fancy restaurant to practice being adults before her bat mitzvah." He reached over Spike's shoulder to brush his fingers over the edge of the picture. "It was fun."

"Looks fun." Spike glanced up at him, almost a question. Then he stood up and slipped the picture under the edge of a magnet.

Xander let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding and gathered the rest of the pictures back into their box.

Despite the fact that he knew he got them all, others showed up around the apartment over the next couple of weeks. Some of them were like the first, tucked under a magnet or into the corner of the molding on a cabinet. Others were in frames on the wall, on the bookshelves that held mostly CDs and DVDs, on the coffee table.

He didn't say anything to Spike, but he appreciated it. Eight and a half years was a long time to keep Jesse locked up inside himself.

***

He wasn't surprised to find Spike sprawled across the steps when he took pizza to Sue one evening. "No garlic," he offered, stepping over Spike to give Sue a one-armed hug. He nudged Spike's shoulder with his knee. "Come on. Have dinner with us."

He wasn't surprised, either, to come home one evening to find Spike packing up his few belongings, and a few of Xander's as well.

"I'm moving in with Sue," he said. "She's got an extra room." He seemed to be waiting for something.

"Don't steal my stereo," Xander cracked lamely.

Spike still waited.

Xander dropped his forced smile and nodded. "Yeah," he said, and Spike moved in with Sue.

***

Spike waved Xander over into the garden at the side of the house on one visit. "Gonna help?" he asked.

Spike had taken over doing most of the household chores Xander had been doing for Sue since he'd gotten back from Montana.

Xander knelt down two rows over from Spike. "What are we doing?"

Spike gave him that look that showed he was clearly wondering how Xander survived to adulthood. "Weeding. Don't pull up the vegetables."

They weeded in silence for a while.

"Where's Sue?" Xander finally asked.

Spike grinned at him. "On a date."

Xander sat back on his heels. "Really?"

"Yeah." Spike stopped weeding. "Nice bloke. Got the feeling he's been waiting a long time for her to be ready."

"Huh."

They were still weeding when Sue's date walked her up the steps.

"Wash up and come sit with us," she invited. "I'll get some lemonade."

After they washed their hands under the hose, they joined Sue and her date on the porch. She introduced them to Walter and explained who they were.

"Xander was friends with Jesse, and then he became friends with Spike." She smiled at them. "They're just the age Jesse would have been."

Xander spaced out for a minute after that and had to guess to fill in the gaps in the conversation.

***

He brought it up with Willow later.

"We're going to be older than Spike."

Willow blinked at him. "He's a vampire."

"I _know_ that, Will. I mean, we're the same age he was before he became a vampire."

She considered that. "Huh. We're going to be older than Spike."

"Yeah." Xander tapped his fingers against the table. "It's weird."

"It is." Willow peered at him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said. "It's just. Weird, you know."

She patted his hand. "I know."

He kept thinking about it. Spike was going to be younger than him. Eventually, Spike was going to be younger than Dawn, and that was even weirder.

"What?" Spike asked when he caught Xander looking at him.

"Nothing," Xander said. "Really."

***

Xander had taken to visiting Sue without Willow, but he didn't often get to sit with her alone. So he was surprised when she invited him over one evening and Spike wasn't around. She sat him down and brought him a cup of hot chocolate. Then she showed him the ring on her finger.

"Walter asked me to marry him."

Xander stared at the ring for too long before his brain caught up with what she was saying. He grinned at her and scooped her up into a giant hug.

"Congratulations!" He kissed her cheek. "That's great."

She smiled back at him. "Yes." She pushed him back into his chair and twisted the ring around her finger. "I asked Spike to walk me down the aisle." She put a hand on his arm. "I don't want you to be hurt that I didn't ask you. I love you, Xander, but Spike's--"

Xander put his hand over hers and gave it a little squeeze. "No, I know. It's okay."

***

He went with Spike to rent the tux. He wasn't sure why, exactly--Spike had better fashion sense than he did--but he went along and played the best friend. Somewhere around the fifteenth vest Spike tried on, he realized it wasn't just playing. Spike _was_ his best male friend, and since he hadn't seen anyone else hanging around Spike, he was probably Spike's.

***

Xander took Spike home with him after the wedding. It wasn't a last-minute decision; Spike had already planned to leave Sue and Walter alone in the house for at least a couple of days.

Xander dropped his tie onto the table next to Spike's. "Nice wedding."

"It was." Spike fidgeted with the ties.

Xander dug the good Scotch out of the back of a cabinet and poured two glasses.

"There comes a time," he said when they were both seated with drinks, "when you have to stop living for other people."

Spike snorted. "Right. Like you lot can take care of yourselves."

"We're all adults," Xander said. "Dawn's in _college_ , Spike. Buffy's the oldest Slayer in recorded history. Sue's married. Willow and Tara are talking about kids. We're all adults," he said again. "We're making our own choices. We don't need you to take care of us."

Spike gulped down his Scotch and got up to get the bottle. "You lot take care of each other all the time. Take care of this whole damn town."

"Yeah," Xander said. "We take care of each other. Because we care about each other. We take care of Sunnydale because it's the right thing to do. We don't do it because we don't know how to do anything else."

"This where you tell me it's time to get myself a hobby?" Spike gulped down more of Xander's very expensive Scotch.

"I'm sure Willow has an extra pair of knitting needles," Xander said almost automatically. "You need to figure out what you want to do. Not what you think you need to do to take care of us."

"What? Making scarves for the witches' kids?"

"They're going to have Willow and Tara for parents. They won't need you to take care of them."

Spike scowled at him. "They'll need babysitters."

"Spike!" Xander yelled in his exasperation. He took a deep breath. "Spike," he said more reasonably, "we're all adults. We're going to be older than you were when you were turned pretty soon. It's time for you to grow up too."

Spike gulped down another glass of Scotch. "What am I supposed to do, then? Get a job building houses with you?"

"We mostly do commercial space."

"Right. That makes all the difference."

Xander got up and switched the good Scotch--now half empty--for the cheaper Scotch.

"Look, Spike, I don't know what you should do. I just know that you can't go on like this. It's your turn to have your own life."

***

Life went on after Spike drunk himself to sleep. Xander went to work every day and got a raise. Willow and Tara started to seriously look into their options for having a child. Spike slept at Sue's, on Xander's couch, in his crypt, seemingly at random. The Scoobies averted several disasters, big and small. Dawn broke up with Josh--which didn't keep him from continuing to be a part of the Scooby gang--in favor of Seth, who bleached his hair, wore all black, and speculatively drawled, "Aren't you a good-looking one," when he met Spike.

Spike showed up drunk on Xander's doorstep just before sunrise. Xander made sure all the blinds were closed before he put Spike to bed on the couch.

***

Xander called an emergency Scooby mini-meeting--Willow and Tara, Buffy, Giles.

"At what point," Willow asked when they'd gone around and around and were no closer to any answers, "does it get so bad that we call Angel?"

No one wanted to make the call, and in the end they left Giles to his tea and books and adjourned to Xander's. When they got there, it was cleaner than it had been since he moved in and there was dinner on the stove.

"I would've made more if I'd known you were bringing company home," Spike sulked.

"Geeze, Spike. Co-dependent much?" Trust Buffy to say what the rest of them were thinking.

Spike's sulk turned into a full-blown scowl. "Fuck off, Slayer. Got nothing to do with you."

"It does have something to do with me," Xander said, heading off a Spike-Buffy grudge match that could end any chance he had of recovering his security deposit. "I don't need you to take care of me."

Spike's scowl dissolved momentarily into something wounded and painful. "Right," he said, bravado firmly in place. "Get the message. No one wants me around."

"I want you!" Xander decided to ignore the weirdness of how that came out. "Dawn wants--"

"Bit's got herself one who'll kiss her back."

Buffy was suddenly very much in Spike's face. "What are you talking about? If you touched Dawn--"

"She kissed me." Spike growled back at her. "Wasn't too happy with me when I said no."

"God, Spike. She's just a kid."

"She was seventeen, Slayer. How old were you when you went panting after Angel?"

Buffy pushed him back until he was up against the fridge. "That has nothing to do with this!"

Xander tugged Buffy back. "The object here is to keep Spike from filling my vacuum cleaner." He let go of Buffy when it seemed like she wasn't going for a stake just at the moment. "I don't want to have to take your ashes to Dawn."

Willow pushed a card into Spike's hand. "I have evening appointments available. If you're not comfortable talking to me, I can recommend someone else." She half-smiled. "I'm not the only therapist specializing in the supernatural in Sunnydale."

Spike stared at the card. "You think I need therapy."

Willow's resolve face made an appearance. "The fact that Xander, who knows you better than the rest of us these days, thinks there's a possibility you'll end up dust, either from self-inflicted wounds or baiting other people into doing it for you, worries me."

"I'm not crazy."

"And I couldn't help you if you were," Willow said cheerfully. "Crazy's for psychiatrists to deal with."

"Think you're the one who needs a shrink," Spike growled. He swung his duster on over his shoulders, shoved past them, and slammed the door behind himself.

"That went well."

Xander ignored Buffy and talked to Willow instead. "Will therapy really do him any good?"

Willow nodded. "I think so. It's not like he's a sociopath. Even when he was evil, he still cared about other people."

Xander waved them toward the kitchen while he considered that. "I don't know if he can actually cook, but you're welcome to some of it."

All three of the girls declined and left Xander alone to discover that Spike actually could cook.

***

"Hey," Xander said to Spike a couple of weeks later after a Scooby meeting dissolved without even a patrol, "wanna go pick up girls at The Bronze?"

Spike grinned at him. "I'm in."

Standing together at the bar brought a couple of girls to them. Xander lost track of Spike when he took the girl who'd successfully hit on him out onto the dance floor. They caught up to each other back at the bar.

"What happened?" Xander asked. "She was into you."

Spike shrugged. "I don't really have anywhere to take her."

"The crypt not a turn-on for the ladies?"

Spike grunted. "What about your bird?"

"I think she was actually younger than Dawn."

Spike chuckled. "What say I kick your ass at pool?"

Xander grabbed his beer. "Might as well."

They got halfway through a game before Spike started flicking his lighter.

"Ten in the corner. Do we need to take a break so you can smoke or is that just to distract me?"

Spike looked down at his hand as if he hadn't even realized what he was doing. "I quit smoking."

Xander looked up from where he was lining up his shot. "Isn't lung damage pretty much irrelevant at this point?"

Spike shrugged. "I've been seeing Red. Professional-like."

Xander's shot went wild. Vampires in therapy. Would wonders never cease?

"She says it's an inappropriate coping mechanism. Three in the corner." Spike, of course, had no problem making his shot while carrying on a conversation. "Seven in the side."

They played in silence for a while until Spike started fidgeting again. When Xander glared at him across the table, he stopped and looked almost guilty.

"I never realized how much time I spent smoking."

Xander nodded. "Did she make you make a list?"

Spike's eyebrows almost jumped off his face. "Of all the ways it controlled me? Yeah. One in the corner." He lined up his shot. "She got you in therapy too?"

"Not really. I let her practice some things on me. She got me to go to Al-Anon." Xander considered his beer and then set it down again.

"Yeah? That help?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes I've just helped save the world, so what does it matter that my parents are alcoholics?"

Spike didn't have anything to say to that, and they finished their game with no more conversation beyond what the rules required.

***

"Spike told me he's been seeing you," Xander said to Willow over lunch one day.

She nodded. "I thought he might."

"He seems better." Xander toyed with a fry.

"Xander," Willow said, "is there something you want to talk about?"

"Did we screw him up more by taking him to Sue?"

"You're not responsible for the way Spike is," Willow said carefully, "but we can't keep enabling him."

Xander dropped the fry back onto his plate. "I thought it would help both of them."

Willow grabbed his hand and squeezed it between both of hers. "I know you wanted to help. I did too. I think it did help her. Spike needs to learn new relationship patterns."

Xander grinned. "You're such a therapist."

Willow grinned back. "You can't see a window being broken without planning half a dozen ways to make it better when you fix it."

"Guilty as charged." Xander dipped a fry into his ketchup and diverted the conversational stream into a different direction.

***

Spike seemed to be getting so much better, and then he seemed worse, tense and irritable and constantly flicking his lighter.

Xander teamed up with him for patrol, played bait, and let Spike work out some his nervous energy toying with fledges and minions who didn't know better than to mess with one of the Slayer's gang.

"Witch thinks I should talk to the Poof," Spike finally said, flipping his lighter into the air and catching it again and again.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Spike dusted a vamp coming their way, almost as an afterthought. "Thinks it'd be good for me."

They walked a little farther into the cemetery.

"I've never really talked to my dad," Xander eventually offered, "but then he's not seeking redemption and making a life out of fighting evil."

"Red said we should invite him up, to her office. Said she'd mediate."

"Sounds practical. It should keep you from killing each other."

"Yeah." Spike kicked at a tombstone, knocking it over into the one next to it. "If I decide to do it." Spike kicked another tombstone, one more firmly rooted to the ground. "Would you be there too?" he finally asked in a rush.

"Yeah," Xander said, surprised, "of course I will."

***

Xander had never been to Willow's actual office before. It was nice, comfy. Two couches and a couple of cushy chairs in a loose circle with a cheap desk in the corner. Xander made a mental note to look for wood for a new desk; it was never too early to start planning for birthdays and other gift giving occasions.

Spike took a couch, and Xander sat next to him. Willow took one of the chairs, and when Angel showed up, he took the other one.

"We're here," Willow said, "because Spike is ready to talk to you, Angel. Spike, would you like to begin?"

Spike refused to look at any of them. "No," he said sullenly.

Willow nodded as if she were unsurprised. "Angel, how about you? Would you like to start?"

Angel looked uncomfortable. "The last time we saw each other," he finally said, "you were ordering Marcus to stick hot pokers in me."

"There was a time you would've appreciated a nice bit of torture," Spike sulked back.

"I've changed, Spike." Angel's tone made the unsaid "and you haven't" completely clear.

"Some change. Got yourself cursed by a meal's family, moped around a bit, and then--" Spike snapped his mouth shut on whatever else he was going to say.

"And then what?" Willow prompted him.

"And then the great sodding poof decided he was better off without his evil, unsouled family dragging him down."

"Can you tell Angel how that made you feel?"

Spike snarled at her, fangs and demon eyes and all. She didn't flinch; Xander felt his heart beat a little faster.

"You agreed to this," Willow reminded him. "If you've changed your mind, we can send Angel and Xander home and we'll have our usual session."

Spike didn't exactly relax, but he at least dropped the grrr look.

"You left me to take care of Dru all alone," Spike said directly to Angel. "Loved her, and she loved me, but she always wanted her daddy back."

"I'd think you'd have been happy to have her all to yourself."

"I never had her all to myself, not really. You were always there. And she was crazier than a loon." Spike suddenly looked just tired. "You left me with a crazy woman and no help but for whatever minions I could find time to create and train. Were supposed to be a family."

"That why you brought the boy?" Angel asked.

"The boy," Spike said, "is more of a man than either of us. Decided what he wanted out of life, and went out to get it. And then he came back to his family."

As far as Xander knew, that was the nicest thing Spike had ever said about him.

"Right," Angel said. "I'm supposed to live up to the example of Xander Harris."

"Hey," Xander said, "this whole thing," with a gesture between Spike and Angel, "is not about me."

"No." Spike turned on him fiercely. "It is about you. You left, but you kept in touch. You came back. You've been good to me."

"There is a reason you're here," Willow said to Xander when he was too tongue-tied to say anything.

"Yeah," he finally managed, "moral support."

"More than that," Spike muttered. "Family now," he admitted when Xander shot him a questioning look. The saying of nice things was starting to weird Xander out.

"Okay," Xander said when he'd recovered. "Maybe this is a little bit about me. But I thought it was mostly about Deadboy."

"Actually about me," Spike reminded them. "And about how the Poof stopped caring when he got his soul."

"I never said I stopped caring," Angel said.

"Yeah, that was real convincing," Spike sneered back at him. "You _left_."

"I couldn't stay," Angel said. "I couldn't be a part of that anymore."

"A part of us, you mean."

Angel sighed heavily. "Fine," he said. "I couldn't be a part of you anymore."

"I knew it," but Spike's triumph was weak. He looked more sad than anything else.

"I'm sorry," Angel said after a long silence.

"Yeah, well, it's not like I care anyway," Spike said.

"Spike," Willow admonished, "we have an agreement. Here, in this room, you tell the truth. You can refuse to discuss something, but you may not lie."

"Fine," he said. "I'm not talking about this."

"Fine," Angel echoed.

The timer on Willow's desk beeped. "I'm afraid our time is up," she said while she made it stop.

"That's it?" Xander asked. "The buzzer goes off, and, bzzt! it's all over?"

"Limits are important," Willow said gently. And then, more briskly, "Angel, I'd like you to stay for a minute." She put her notebook down and stood to hug Xander and then Spike. "I'll see you next week," she said to Spike.

"Bloody poof," Spike said once they were back on the street in front of Willow's office. He glanced at Xander. "Going to kill things."

"Yeah," Xander said to Spike's retreating back. "I'll get home fine. Thanks for asking." And he did get home fine. No vampires in sight.

***

Spike was waiting for him when he got home from work the next day.

"Not trying to take care of you," Spike said quickly, before Xander could object to the food cooking on his stove. "Just a thank-you like. For yesterday."

Xander got himself all the way into the apartment. "Do I have time for a shower?"

Spike eyed the food. "Yeah."

The food was good. "Thanks," Xander said when they were done. "You didn't have to do this."

Spike shrugged off his appreciation and made him do the dishes himself.

***

"I rearranged my schedule," Willow said when she caught him on his lunch break the next day.

Xander tucked the phone more firmly against his shoulder and leaned back in his chair. "Yeah?"

"I can fit you in at four."

That made him sit up straight.

"Xander." Willow's voice was soft and understanding in his ear. "You don't have to."

"I'll be there," he promised, and he kept his promises.

***

"Shouldn't I be lying on the couch?" he tried to joke.

"You can if you want." Willow took the chair at one end of the couch, so Xander decided she probably meant it and lay down with his head toward her.

"This is kind of weird."

"The situation or the angle?"

"A little of both, actually." Xander tucked one arm under his head and twisted a little to look up at Willow. "The other day was weird."

"How was it weird?"

And, okay, maybe he could do this. It wasn't that weird, after all. Just like talking to Willow. Only somewhere else.

"I mean, I know how Spike is," a little half smile that crooked up one side of his mouth, "but I didn't realize he was so angry with Angel for going off on his own after the whole curse thing."

They sat in silence for a while, until Xander spoke again. "Aren't you supposed to ask me how that makes me feel or what that has to do with my mother?"

"I don't have an agenda here." Friend-Willow might have touched him then, but this was Therapist-Willow, and there were boundaries that came with that. "This is your session."

"He made me dinner last night. To thank me for the other day." He fidgeted for a minute. "He did make me do my own dishes."

"How did that make you feel?" Willow asked.

He grinned up at her. "Good," he said. "Even having to clean up. It was nice." He almost reached out to take her hand, but he remembered the boundaries issue. "Spike's actually a standup guy. You know, for not actually being a living, breathing kind of guy."

"He said you were family."

"I told him about Montana before I told anyone else. And that was even before all of this."

***

He went to an Al-Anon meeting a couple of days later and thought about Spike, and when Spike next showed up at his place, he let him in and then hugged him.

Spike went absolutely still and then tentatively hugged Xander back. "What's all this then?"

"I had a session with Willow." Xander let go and stepped back. "You're a good friend. I just want you to know that." He made a face. "And that sounded incredibly lame. Do we have to do some kind of manly thing now to pretend we didn't just have a moment?"

  
"Both had our heads shrunk. Think we can admit to a moment."

***

Xander took a couple of weeks off, and he and Spike road tripped their way out to Montana. They stayed in the main house with Randy, but Xander went out to work one day. Being a ranch hand took different muscles than construction work, but it was a good kind of tired and sore that sent him into the guest bathroom for a long soak after supper.

Montana was quiet, restful. They both came back calmed.

"We have something to say," Willow said at the combination Scooby meeting and welcome back dinner. She nudged Tara.

Tara blushed, but she managed to get it out without stuttering. "I'm pregnant."

Amidst the flurry of congratulations, Xander was able to catch Willow in a long, tight hug. "Congratulations," he said into her ear. "I know how much you want this."

"Thank you." Her eyes brimmed over with happy tears. "We want you to be a part of the baby's life." She reached out toward Tara and her not-yet-rounded stomach. "This baby's going to be your family too."

That warranted another hug, and Xander tucked his face against her shoulder to hide his own damp eyes.

***

"You ever think about it?" Spike asked on the way home.

"Think about what?"

"Having kids."

Xander almost laughed, but then he realized Spike was serious. "No."

"Why not?"

"What? Other than my total lack of appropriate male role models?"

"Think that'd work for you. You know what not to do."

"Sure, but I have no way to know what to do."

"You've got Red for that." Spike staked the vampire that came up behind them without even breaking his stride. "Marriage and family therapist and all that."

"Nah. Even with Willow, I don't think I'd be too good at the father thing."

"Think she expects you to be a father to the bun in her girl's oven."

"Well, yeah. That's different. Besides," Xander waved a hand, "I think I'm done with all that."

"All what?"

"All of it. Dating, girls, wanting kids, all of that."

***

And of course, as soon as he'd told Spike, as soon as he'd made it real, girls started hitting on him. The checker at the grocery store slipped him her number. When he went to the Bronze with Spike, he pulled roughly the same number and quality of girls Spike did. The temp filling in for Brenda flirted with him so much he started going out onto the site to have lunch with the guys.

"It's like someone put a spell on me or something," he complained one evening. "Except I've been there and this is completely different."

"Not sensing any spells," Willow volunteered.

"Maybe it's just your confidence," Buffy suggested.

"Ooh, yeah!" Willow agreed. "Girls like that." She squeezed Tara's hand. "Or so I hear."

"Dunno," Spike said. "Thought you were done with all that."

"I am! That's what makes it all so weird."

"Well that's it," Dawn said. "Women are always interested in guys who aren't interested in them."

Maybe she was right, because he continued to be uninterested in dating and women continued to hit on him.

***

Some girl was hitting on him, despite the fact that he was, for once, about to kick Spike's ass at pool when Willow called. He pressed his free hand to his ear to block out the noise of the Bronze.

"It's time." Xander could almost hear her hands shaking over the phone. "It's time, Xander. Right now. Sharon's on her way." Sharon was a prosaic name for a witch-midwife, but then Sharon was a pretty prosaic person. Practical and down-to-earth, which worked since this was all new to the rest of them.

In the background, he could hear Tara groan.

"It's okay," Willow murmured, abandoning Xander for a moment. "It's okay, sweetie."

"I'll be right there," Xander said. He barely waited for Willow's acknowledgment before he snapped the phone shut and returned his cue to the rack. "Tara's in labor," he said to Spike. "They're at the house."

"Thoughtful of the kid," Spike said, joining him in the complete abandonment of their game and the girl, "to be born at night."

"I'm sure the kid planned it that way." Xander drove as quickly as he thought he could get away with.

Xander dashed up the stairs when they got there, leaving Spike to close the door and amble up after him.

Buffy sat on one side of Tara, giving her a hand she couldn't really hurt to squeeze. Willow was on her other side, brushing a damp cloth over her forehead and talking softly to her.

"Hey, Tara." Xander bent over to kiss her forehead between Willow-swipes. "Hey, Will." He pulled a chair up next to her and took her hand in his.

"I'll just wait outside, then."

"No, Tara said. "Spike, stay."

Spike shrugged uncomfortably in his duster, but he stayed, hovering around the doorway.

Dawn came up with Sharon and the camera. Dawn was freaked out, but Sharon was, of course, calm.

"All right," Sharon said. She put her hands over Tara's stomach. "Good," she said.

Xander kind of zoned out on the feel of Willow's hand in his and Sharon's practical manner. He'd been a little skeptical, but Willow and Tara had, as usual been right. At home, with a witch-midwife, was the right way to do this.

At some point Willow climbed up onto the bed to hold Tara, and Spike came over next to Xander to be another hand Tara couldn't hurt. And after a long time of Sharon's soothing and Tara's howling and Willow's silent tears, there was a little girl new in the world.

"Vivian," Tara said, when Sharon asked. "Vivian Rose Maclay."

She nodded, blessed Vivian, and gave the very sharp knife to Dawn to cut the cord. It was a good choice; Dawn got over her awe quickly enough to pick up the camera again. She got Tara and the baby, equally red-faced. Willow and Tara and the baby. Willow and the baby. Buffy and the baby. Buffy took the camera to get Dawn and the baby.

And then Willow put the tiny--Tiny! How could anything that small really be alive?--bundle into Xander's arms.

There was probably something he was supposed to say, but he couldn't find his voice. He could hear Buffy on the phone to Giles--middle of the night in Sunnydale meant daytime in London--but that didn't really matter either. He just stared down at the baby in his arms. He blinked against the flash, but it couldn't pull his eyes away from Vivian.

Even when Willow took her from him and took her over to Spike, he just kept watching her while she got tucked into Spike's arms and had her picture taken again.

Sharon eventually threw the rest of them out, and they dispersed to leave Willow and Tara to spend time with their daughter.

***

Xander plopped down on the couch when they got back. "I have to be at work in a couple of hours."

"You could call in sick. I could call you in sick," Spike offered.

"No, I'm a man. I'll play hooky on my own."

Spike handed him a bottle of root beer and dropped onto the couch next to him. "Cheers, mate."

Xander clinked his bottle against Spike's. "Cheers." He took a deep drink. "That was so incredible. I can't believe it."

"Knew the witches had it in 'em," Spike said with a wide, happy smile.

Even though he was exhausted, Xander was too wired to sleep, so he and Spike sat up and watched bad late-night TV until it was late enough that he could call Jerry and let him know he wouldn't be in. They all knew he'd been waiting for his friend to give birth, so he didn't get as much ribbing for calling in on a Friday as he might have.

Spike eventually prodded him into bed with the excuse that he needed some sleep himself and Xander was sitting on his bed.

***

Xander went to a meeting, and didn't even realize he was there to speak until he was actually doing it.

"My best friend's first child was born this week, and I already love her more than anyone else in the world, and she's not even mine. I never realized before just how different I am from my parents."

He went home and moved restlessly around the apartment until Spike dragged him out to The Bronze where Xander lost game after game at the pool tables in the back.

***

It was Spike who called Willow the next day and practically demanded that they be allowed to come over and visit the baby.

"Xander," Willow said, when they got there, "you can come over any time you want." She took his hand to lead him upstairs to Tara and Vivian. "We want you to be a part of Vivian's life."

"Hi, Xander." Tara stood up out of the rocking chair Xander had made for them. "Here."

"Oh, no," he said. "I didn't mean to--"

Tara pushed Vivian into his arms. "Sit with her for a while." She waited until Xander lowered himself down into the rocking chair before she reached a hand out to Willow. "Honey, let's go downstairs for a bit."

Xander had no idea how much time passed before Spike came up to find him.

"Hey. You want a turn?"

Spike shook his head. "Just came up to see how it was going." He bent over Xander and brushed one finger over Vivian's forehead.

***

Xander took Willow at her word and started dropping by to visit nearly every day. He tried not to make it so often that he interfered with Willow and Tara's own time with Vivian, but he was completely fascinated by how much she changed from visit to visit.

Sometimes he'd get there to find Spike already there, rocking calmly with Vivian in his arms. Once or twice he even caught Spike reciting poetry to her. On those days, he waited in the doorway and listened until Spike was done before he went in to bend over the chair and kiss Vivian.

***

"They figured out how to do it, didn't they?" Xander asked on their way home one night.

"Do what?"

"Vivian's both of theirs, isn't she?" No one had said anything about it yet, but Xander'd noticed that while her face was mostly round like Tara's, there was a widow's peak jutting into her forehead, and her hair was coming in red-tinged.

"Reckon she is at that."

"And you don't think that's weird?"

"There's not much that really qualifies as weird around here."

"True."

"So, listen," Spike said just as Xander pulled into his parking space at the apartment complex, but then he didn't say anything else.

"What?" Xander asked softly. He knew enough to wait for Spike to say whatever it was he was going to say before he got out of the car.

"If you've got some time tomorrow, you could come with to my appointment with Red."

"Okay." When Spike made no move to get out of the car, Xander risked a glance at him. "Angel coming up again?"

"No. Just thought you could come. It's okay if you don't want to."

"No, of course I'll be there."

***

"Xander," Willow said when he came into the office with Spike the next day. "Hi."

"Hey, Will."

Willow looked from him to Spike and back again. "What brings you into my office this fine evening?"

Xander shrugged. "It's Spike's session. I'm just along for moral support."

"Okay," Willow gestured them onto the couch and sat across from them. She set the timer. "What's the agenda for today?"

Spike picked up one of the knickknacks on the table and fiddled with it. "No real agenda."

"Okay," Willow said. "So why did you bring Xander?"

Spike put down one knickknack and picked up a different one. "Dunno, really." He looked at Xander and smirked. "Maybe I just wanted him to give you a progress report. Haven't been trying to take care of him."

"That's true. He's not taking care of me. I'm not taking care of him." Xander glanced at Spike. "It's more like a partnership."

"Not like we're married," Spike muttered.

"Well." Xander took the knickknack out of Spike's hand.

"Well," Spike repeated. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means," Xander said slowly, "that we're a partnership. You live with me. You do," he said before Spike could protest. "Your books are filling up the shelves. Your trunks of stuff are sitting under the windows in the living room. You put up photos and art all over the place. You live with me. We eat dinner together. We patrol together. We hang out together. It's stupid to make you sleep on the couch."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying we're practically married anyway. We're already family. You've been living on my couch for way too long." He turned to fully look at Spike. "If you don't want to move into my bed with me," and thank God for his confidence these days, that he could say that to Spike in front of Willow without babbling or blushing, "we need to move into somewhere with two bedrooms."

"You can't afford that."

Xander shrugged. "It might mean that things are tight for a while, but if that's what we need to do, we'll make it work."

"Are you serious?"

"I wouldn't say it if I weren't. We know we can live together. I already love you. I'm not in love with you, but I think maybe I could be. And it's not like I haven't noticed how hot you are." That part did make him blush.

"You got anything to say about this?" Spike asked Willow.

She waved at them in a go-ahead kind of gesture. "I think you've got it under control."

"That's it? Not going to offer advice or ask us questions?"

"You're talking to each other honestly, so you've got the whole communication thing down. You're adults. You've both worked out most of the issues that would keep you from letting yourselves be happy. This is your thing to work out."

"The Bit wouldn't like it."

"The Bit," Xander pointed out, "is an adult. She'll deal or not, but that's her problem."

"Yeah, and what about Seth?"

"Seth is also an adult, and he's not stupid. I'm sure he knows exactly what's going on."

"You ever been with another bloke?"

"Yes."

Spike's eyes widened and Xander could almost feel Willow holding herself still.

"When?"

"After I came back from Montana." Xander shrugged. "He was interested, and I thought, why not?"

"Seems like it didn't take."

"I didn't love him. Come on, Spike. We both know what I'm like in a relationship. We both know what you're like in a relationship."

"Haven't seen you around any blokes."

"Yeah, well, it's not like The Bronze is really a hotspot for same-sex action." Xander shrugged. "I didn't go looking for it. It just kind of happened."

Spike watched him for what seemed like a long time.

"I know what I'm asking," Xander said softly.

Spike swung his duster over his shoulders and shoved his hands into the pockets. "Gotta think about this." He nodded at Willow. "He can take the rest of my session."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Do you think he's all right?"

"You can have your own secrets."

Xander grinned. "Is that Friend-Willow or Therapist-Willow?"

Willow smiled back at him. "Therapist-Willow, mostly, but Friend-Willow also knows you need your own space sometimes."

"I'm sorry anyway. When it happened." Xander shrugged. "It just didn't seem that important, and then there wasn't anyone I was really interested in anyway."

"Xander," she said, "it's okay. Really. I do know how these things go."

"I guess you do." Xander fidgeted. "What do you think he'll decide?"

"What do you think he'll decide?"

"You've really got that turning questions around on the patient thing down." He stood up and paced. "I don't know. I want him to decide to say yes. I wouldn't have asked otherwise. Does it bother you that I'm pacing?"

"The rest of this hour is yours. Your agenda, and if you need to pace, you can pace."

Xander threw himself back down onto the couch. "It's going to weird everyone out if he says yes, isn't it?" He held up a hand. "Don't tell me. It's our life, and everyone else will have to deal."

"You said it."

"Yeah." Xander sighed. "I don't think I'm up for the rest of this hour." He stood up and bent over Willow to kiss her cheek. "Go home to Tara and Vivian."

Willow caught his hand. "Don't fret too much." She pressed her lips to the back of his hand. "We're still your family too. Come by if you get too lonely waiting."

Xander squeezed her hand. "Thanks, Will."

He went home and paced around the apartment until he realized how silly that was. Instead, he flopped down on the couch and channel surfed until he found something that wasn't too intrusive.

"Anything good?" Spike asked when he came home.

"No." Xander picked up the remote.

"Leave it."

He dropped the remote back onto the arm of the couch. "Okay." He watched Spike hang up his coat and come toward him.

"Are you just asking because it's convenient? Getting lonely and want another body in your bed?"

"It is convenient, but that's not what this is about." Xander put his hand on Spike's knee to back up his words. "I'm not lonely with you here. It's you I want in my bed." He managed to keep himself from stroking his thumb across Spike's knee. "If you don't want this, we can forget this evening ever happened and we'll keep an eye on the classifieds for two-bedroom places."

Spike leaned forward and pressed his lips against Xander's. Xander barely dared to breathe.

"Is that a yes?"

"It's not a no." Spike licked his lips. "More like a maybe. A let's try it out, yeah?"

"Yeah, all right." Xander felt the slow smile spread across his face. "I'll take a maybe." He pushed forward to claim a kiss from Spike. "I want to try it." He stroked Spike's arm, up and down, and kissed him again. When he tried for another kiss, Spike caught his face between his hands.

"I can't promise you forever."

Xander turned and kissed one of Spike's palms. "I'm not going to live forever." He turned and kissed the other palm.

As if a switch had been flipped, Spike went from gentle and tentative to sexy and demanding. He used the hands on Xander's face to pull him in for the hungriest kiss anyone had ever given him.

"For now, yeah?" Spike didn't wait for an answer before kissing him again.

"Can I fuck you?" he asked after a long time of the two of them touching and kissing.

Xander just stared at him with glazed eyes. "Yeah. Yeah." He led Spike to his bedroom and rummaged around in the pile of stuff on the nightstand for the lube he knew was there somewhere.

Spike was naked by the time he found it, and Xander wasted no time in dropping his own clothes on the floor to mingle with Spike's.

Xander spread himself out on his bed in his best attempt at a come and fuck me pose. His efforts didn't go unrewarded; Spike knelt between his legs and pushed one of Xander's knees up and back, out of his way. He squeezed the lotion onto his hands and pushed one finger and then two and three into Xander.

On the fourth one, Xander reached up to grasp Spike's shoulders and pull him down. "It's enough," he said. "Now."

Spike pushed into him slowly. Xander could barely breathe.

"Good, yeah?" Spike asked.

Xander turned Spike's question around into an affirmation. "Good, yeah." He hooked his legs around Spike's hips and held him there. "Good."

Spike moved, and Xander lost all ability to speak. He could feel every inch of Spike's cock pushing into him.

It was too good for him to do anything but feel.

"Good," he whispered against Spike's temple after they'd both come. "So good. God, Spike." And then, "Don't," when Spike tried to move out of and off him.

Spike kissed him, and it was gentle, like the first time.

***

Spike's grip was gentle, too, when he took Xander's hand on the way to or from the house for a visit to Vivian.

Xander still waited until Spike was finished with whatever he was reciting before he came in to lean over the two of them in the rocking chair for kisses.

Spike gave him Vivian, and then pulled Xander down into his own lap. Xander laughed and settled himself and Vivian comfortably. Spike rocked them back and forth while Xander took his turn to talk to Vivian.

"Hey there, Vivian. How's my little girl?" He swung her up and brought her back down to press a noisy kiss onto her nose. "I love you." He kissed one cheek and then the other. "I love you more than anyone else in the whole wide world."

"More than Red?" Spike asked.

"Willow can be second." Xander chucked Vivian under the chin.

Spike hooked his chin over Xander's shoulder. "More than me?"

Xander turned and smiled at him, simple and happy. "You can be third." He kissed Spike until Vivian started gurgling up at him, and then he turned back around and talked and sang to her until Tara gently kicked them out so she could feed Vivian.

***

Buffy was the one to come get them one evening. It was oddly anticlimactic.

She took in the two of them and said only, "Willow said to tell you that dinner will be ready in five minutes."

Xander let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. "Do you think she's mad?"

"Don't know." Spike tucked his chin into Xander's shoulder. "Don't know much about her these days."

Xander reached up and wrapped his hand around the back of Spike's head. "And what if she is?"

Spike pressed his lips against Xander's neck. "I'm not going to walk out on you because it pisses the Slayer off."

Xander smiled. "Might even make you stay, huh?"

Spike's lips curved against his skin. "Might." He turned Xander's head and kissed him. "Might be other reasons I'd want to stay." He brushed his lips over Xander's cheek and then pushed him off his lap. "Don't wanna make the witches wait."

***

"What the hell is going on here?" Dawn asked when she found out. They hadn't been trying to hide it from her, but she wasn't around much and it was never the right time. And nobody really wanted to deal with the fallout. But they hadn't been trying to hide it, so when Xander felt like holding Spike's hand, he did it.

"Trying to find out what's been beating up your sister for the past week."

"That's not what I'm talking about."

From the corner of his eye, Xander saw Tara take Vivian back into the training room.

Seth, of course, chose that moment to put in an appearance. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and kissed her cheek. "Hello, love."

She shrugged him off. "What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?"

"Dawn," Xander said. He brushed his thumb over the back of Spike's hand. "I love him."

"You--" Her outrage didn't let her get any farther, and she turned to Spike. "You--" Her second attempt came out more pleading.

"Bit."

"No." She took a step back and bumped into Seth. "Whatever it is, I don't want to hear it." She pushed off of Seth and stalked out.

"No, don't get up," Seth drawled, and he ambled his way out after her.

"That bastard," Spike swore.

"Spike," Xander said. Spike's grip was getting a little tight.

Spike blinked at him, and then he dropped Xander's hand as if it were covered in crosses, which wasn't any better. He swung his duster on over his shoulders. "Gonna patrol for a while."

Xander dropped his face into his hands. "That went horribly wrong."

"You probably should have told her," Buffy said, unsympathetic.

"Yeah, because then we could have gone through all this earlier and with more talking."

Willow sat next to him and put her arms around him. "It'll be okay."

Xander let himself lean into her embrace for a long moment before he went back to the book he was supposed to be using to find answers.

***

He was home, starting the dishwasher and turning out the lights, when Spike came in.

"Kill anything?"

"Yeah." Spike dropped his duster onto the coat rack. He came into the kitchen and kissed Xander, slow and so sweet. He maneuvered Xander into the bedroom, flipping light switches as they went, and blew him, perfectly, expertly.

He wouldn't let Xander return the favor. "Go to sleep, yeah?"

"You talk to her?" Xander asked sleepily.

"No."

Xander curled his hand around Spike's hip. "She's mad."

Spike kissed his hair. "She's an adult. She'll get over it."

Xander struggled against sleep. "I know you wanted--"

"Hush, now. None of that." Spike's hands roamed over his body in some kind of mystical pattern designed to make him sleep. "Wanted this, didn't I?"

***

Spike kept touching him all the way into the next day. He had his hand thoroughly buried in Xander's hair when Dawn came in. She stopped, and then turned her back on them and talked to Buffy. Seth swaggered in behind her and grinned broad thanks at them.

It got easier; even Dawn couldn't maintain that much anger for that long.

"We're transferring," she told them all defiantly a semester later. "Seth and I are going to San Diego."

***

"I'm not mad," Buffy said later. "Not at you." She hugged Xander to show she meant it. "Maybe it's time for her to go away from all this."

"From us."

"From all of us." She smiled sadly. "Maybe it's time for her to stop being the Slayer's little sister and just be Dawn. Hard to do in Sunnydale."

Xander rested his chin on the top of her head and said, "I'm sorry," anyway.

"Maybe she'll be better by spring break," he said to Spike later, while they were snacking on Fritos in front of sitcom reruns.

Spike slid his arm in between Xander's neck and the couch. "Could be."

***

Better was a relative term. When Dawn came home for spring break, she could look at them, but she still wasn't talking to them. By summer, she was only a little cool, and by the time she went back to school in the fall, things were almost normal in Scoobyland.

Tara got pregnant again, and they let Xander cut the cord. Matthew learned to walk, and Vivian started kindergarten. Willow sobbed against Xander's shoulder after they watched her walk into the classroom for the first time. Tara went to pick her up.

"I made a friend!" Vivian gave the picture she'd drawn to Willow and went to Xander to be picked up. "We're going to be best friends forever, like you and Mama Willow."

Spike never promised forever, but he hadn't left and Xander wasn't going to live forever.


End file.
